Trends in Modern Conspiracy Theories

Being a member of Church of the Subgenius, I am in a funk these days. All around me I see evidence of THE Conspiracy, meta conspiracies, and even blatant stuff that might be a conspiracy (the best kind of conspiracy of all),yet I don’t see anyone exposing them.

Well, aside from the kooks, that is.

So here ya go, current conspiracies that need to be exposed, perhaps for the first time.

Ladainian Tomlinson Not Playing in the Chargers Playoff Game
Word on the street is that LT was pressured by the California Fifth Columnists Organization (CFCo) not to play in this game. The reasoning is obvious, you can use Google to figure it out.

Ricin Found in Las Vegas
This drug was planted by DHS as a way to justify the renewal of the email/phone spying act (warrantless wiretapping). Did you notice that everyone was fine, and then suddenly one person was found, in a hospital, with ricin poisoning. And he had been there for two weeks.

The movie Idiocracy
The movie idioocracy was produced not to allow people to laugh a the stupidity of the potential future, but to dull-down that outrage when they find out that the stuff in that film is already happening. I can’t prove it, but I have heard that funding for this film was primarily from the FDA.

Rising gas prices
There is no hidden conspiracy here. The oil companies are simply shitting in our faces because they can. Gasoline is not refined from oil; that is just the cover story. Gasoline is refined from seawater. You know all of those sewage discharge units? Sure, they are discharging cleaned sewage into the ocean, but they are also siphoning seawater OUT of the ocean and back to the refineries.
Crude oil is simply pumped out from one well and back into another. What is crude oil? No one knows, but it is thought to be the blood of some very large subtererean reptile.

The Internet
I am not permitted to discuss this topic or online advertisements.

The 2008 Election
is it possible to have a worse bunch of candidates than the 2004 election? I would have thought that this was impossible until now. As of February 28th 2008,we have the following ‘candidates’ left:

Democratic:
Barak Obama - He’s not black, he’s not a Muslim, and he did not swear
allegiance to the Q’uran. He has as much foreign policy as a 2003 Ford Explorer (he’s heard that things come from China and Korea, but he’s never been there), he wants to send troops into af***kingstan w/o the authorization of the a***king president, and to top things off, he has never injected heroin (or played Guitar Hero).

Hillary Clinton - Wifemarm of Billary. Scary, ballsy, crybaby, penis are words that have been used to describe Clinton. Heshe cries about the election, wants to bailout house-flippers, and thinks that it is OK if we let undocumented aliens (realword; ILLEGAL ALIENS) back into the country to work, since no Americans would do the jobs they do. Tell that to the construction workers, taco shop vendors, and use car salespersons.

Republican:

John Mccain - War hero, blew up the Nakatomi Building in Los Angeles, saved a bunch of airliners in Chicago, blew up an underground water tunnel in New York, and most recently, taught MAC how to get some balls. A TrueRepublican(tm), John would scare most of our enemies; I know he scare the shit out of me.

Hucakbee - Who? Oh yeah, the southern-baptist religious right pandering , ‘god is on my side’ type of douchebag that doesn’t know when to quit.

Think about it, just like you did when you watches South Park. Do you want to vote for a Douche or a Turd. Wake up America! if this is all you can put out, you deserve what you get back.